Dear God: Do you hate me? Really, I have to ask on a day like this. Every time I think I may be getting over migraine headaches, here they come again. April, May, June and July were great, maybe one or two. So I wake up this morning with my third or fourth this month. The pain is excruciating, I feel so sick to my stomach I want to hurl. But why am I telling you this? You know it already.

So I take the pill, feel better in a couple hours but fight to stay awake all day. Until about 3:00 when I crack a tooth eating a snickers bar (to get a sugar high and say awake.) Every time I breath through my mouth or smile, my tooth screams! And alas, can't see the dentist till tomorrow.

That's okay, I have other problems tonight. Our son gets kicked off the high school soccer team for admitting getting high again. So he storms off angry, according to my wife. And I'll get to deal with his attitude, his drug problem (which he doesn't believe he has since he only gets high occasionally) and whatever else it brings.

Did I forget our 20 year old still in jail in Orlando facing drug charges?

So back to my question: do you really hate me? I should probably be struck with lightening for asking, but I read Psalm 88 the other day. Love that last line, "the darkness is my closest friend." Kinda how I feel right about now. Except inside I still get this thought that you are crazy in love with me still. Like when I was a teenager and that beautiful girl would laugh at you and tell you to get lost, but somehow you thought you still had a chance! What's up with that? Reality and faith just aren't jiving here.

So I look at an icon, at the cross, at an image of a heart and cross, and think about your passion. Oh yeah, you went through worse. And Jesus, you questioned the Fathers love too. How did you do it? Get nailed up there believing the whole time there was a purpose. No fair, you were God incarnate, I'm not! Where do I turn?

"The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:7

"For I am convinced that...(nothing)...will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Rom 8:39

"Oh the depths of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing! Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor? Who has ever given to God that God should repay him? For from him and through him and in him are all things. To him be the glory forever!" Rom 11:33-36

Passion is a great word with a depth of meaning, but it has become one of the most overused corporate buzzwords of our day. It's right up there with synergy (have you ever heard someone use "synergy" in a sentence out of the workplace? Honey, I love the synergy of your twice baked potatos served with meat loaf.).

People have a 'passion' for their project, for their job, excuse me, career, a passion for training or leading. I had someone tell me they had a passion for the paperwork of opening new accounts. Okay, I drank the kool aid and may have used passion in an interview, but only in the context of what corporate America means by passion: something that is at least bearable, hopefully likeable, potentially enjoyable. If you win the lottery are you spending your day off this weekend working on another powerpoint? I didn't think so.

But real passion? I only have one: the pursuit of God. I love running half marathons, I love helping and serving others, I love tai chi, blogging, hiking, reading, hoping the Orlando Magic win the NBA title, but passion is saved for one. I do have a passion for my family and friends also, all because my love for them springs forth from the love of God.

The church has passion right. Passion is an almighty transcendent God so adoring of us, he becomes one of us, suffers at sinners hands dying a gruesome death, all the while demonstrating agape love to us: give beyond our means, show ridiculous love. go ahead and burn the candle of love at both ends, one for humanity and creations sake, the other for the loving Christ who so loves us.

As for everything else, the noise of life, the bells and whistles of ambition, desire, control, affection, esteem, power, security, pleasure, there is another word: dispassion, or apatehia. Apatheia today unfortunatley gets interpreted apathy, meaning I don't care. What it originally meant and should mean for us is clear, objective understanding. Instead of meaning "I don't care", it means my cares are in proper order and to the degree they should be. I am aware of my desires and so called 'passions', but I realize where they fall in the order of life. Clearly, they fall behind my real passion, the pursuit of God. And clearly behind the second great commandment, to love all as I love myself.

The welcome prayer is a great tool to remind myself of this. As things arise during the day, I return to where I was in prayer and meditation. I live mindfully, aware of the love of Christ, and reigning in my 'passions' accordingly.

"Welcome Holy Spirit. I let go of my desire for security/survival, affection/esteem, power/control. I let go of my desire to change this person or situation. I humbly accept your will in this present moment. And I adoringly accept your love. Welcome."

Anyone who believes
God has no sense of humor
or play,
has never seen a puppy
chasing a butterfly
on a hot August day.