Jesus is especially lovely to me tonight. Gazing at the many icons of him hanging in my chapel, he looks a little different. Maybe it's because for much of the last 6 months I didn't know what to think of him.
I've been a Christian, well since baptism, but cognitively since 10 years old. An evangelical since my teen years. And an Orthodox Christian. And now a Catholic Christian. And somewhat a Taoist/Buddhist. I may be polytheistic: a Christian God, the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit, a Protestant God, an Orthodox God, a conservative Catholic God and a progressive Catholic God, an Eckhart Tolle Being God, and a non theistic Buddhist/Taoist reality. They all are appealing.
You may think I'm confused, I don't think I am. The darker the unknowing becomes, the more I know, because I know what God is not. Which makes me closer to what God really is. God is expanding to me like the universe is expanding, become greater all the time.
So I don't always know what to believe about Jesus, which one? The evangelical one coming back as judge? The one in the icon? The lover of humanity? The incarnate transcendent one?
But yesterday someone told me I shouldn't believe he is God, "just drop the God thing" and you've got it all right.
Except that image of him is the closest thing I've seen of God. Love, compassion, incarnation. If that is not deity, than what is?
He looks especially lovely tonight.